plac·id \ˈpla-səd\

I wanted to be somebody. I want to be somebody.
It is that time of the night where I wonder about such things again.

I forgot what started it this time. Why oh why, when it was just a few minutes ago? I don't know. Then again, I must remind myself that at 21, you DON'T have to have it all figured out. I saw this today, whilst being distracted during my not-so-successful attempt at revising for Spanish. "Every Year of your Twenties, Ranked from Worst to Best," it said. It didn't really mean much, and it doesn't, and it shouldn't. But it does you remind you that time is a-passing, doesn't it?

I also took one of those personality quizzes for MBTI (how obvious is it that I did not want to be revising at all) and for the first time, my answer was different. I've been a staunch ESFJ but I turned out as an ESFP this time. Checking out the profile comparisons, meh, I'm personally not inclined to believe in this new result. Evidence shows otherwise. But I guess it's an indication of some degree of change. Relative, of course.

A lot of things have happened this year.

i think it started with a 'c'

There is a word I am looking for and I know what it means. It means authentic, real, not staged; but it is none of these words. I feel like the word is on the verge of materializing in my head. It is on the tip of my mind's metaphorical tongue. I have encountered the word before, in a setting perhaps not as romanticized as any of us would like, or my writing so far suggests.

While I was doing Fundamentals of Research in my first year of university, it was always mentioned in the Methods section. That's where they explain how the experiment will be conducted, how the data will be collected, yada yada. And that's it, that's where it came from. How unamusing, right. I can't remember the word exactly. Reliable, true, trustworthy? Those are not it.

I am wracking my brain right now trying to remember this word. Brows furrowed and eyes narrowed in a way that can only depict complete concentration. Although I guess I can't really say I'm concentrating too much since I am, of course, typing this as I try to remember. What else was I thinking of when the word popped into my head? Right before it disappeared and left nothing but an impression and a wandering mind? 'Caricatures', I was thinking; somewhere along the lines of a simulated setting, a not-completely-accurate depiction of reality, perhaps an exaggeration.

Ah, I am losing my bearings on the word now. Its edges are becoming fuzzy and I don't even have it on the tip of my mind's metaphorical tongue anymore; more like it's lodged in my mind's metaphorical throat like a fish bone. Synthetic? Surreal? Criticisms against laboratory settings because they are controlled, not spontaneous ... Forgive me, I'm just rattling off my train of thought now.

The significance of this is

where do we go from here

My passion for the work I do in school is just. Non-existent.
Highlight reel / behind-the-scenes.

Not sure which exactly is non-existent. ...

being more \ˈbē(-i)ŋ\ \ˈmȯr\

They say every job is tough, you've got to find the one that's worth it.
You've got to do the one you love, the one you enjoy.

Today, I went for an internship interview at Burson-Marsteller. I hardly got to say much, all my prepared answers put aside in order for the lady to explain the firm, the internship, and how working in public relations is bloody hard work whilst the pay is crap. Therefore, what they need are people with the big p-word. Passion, she said. She had already pre-empted all the questions I intended to ask.

Later, I thought about what I wanted to write. And I wondered about why I ever gave up Journalism as an option, why I never took any journ courses beyond Basic Media Writing and why do I still, in spite of that, have the feeling in my gut that journalism, and not public relations is what I want to do. I can't for the life of me remember why I wrote it off completely.

Alright, I do know.

dream \ˈdrēm\

This post is called dreams, in memory of the dreams I left behind or the ones I have put on hold. Or the ones I couldn't bring myself to put in the effort to pursue, but I guess that means they wouldn't be counted as my dreams. Perhaps they all fall under that category.

It is not meant to be a sad post. I think it's just a list.

through his eyes

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

You've told me so much in the span of such a short time and addressed so many of my fears, concerns and apprehensions. It's been a spiritually, mentally and emotionally tough week. Thank you, Lord, for your bottom line tonight. Everything I do, I do for Your eyes only.

Choose to love, choose to forgive, choose to be happy, choose to surrender everything to Him

♫ hallelujah / god in me / amazed / oceans where feet may fail / at the cross / you said

update numero uno /warning: incoherent/

The weather has been gloomy today, rain ~falling slowly, drip, drop, drive me insane~ I finally sort of have a short breather today to write again about my boring life which I think about often. I wish there was a typewriter in my head that could capture all my thoughts on-the-go.

School has been really hectic and on top of yfc stuff, haven't had much time to just sit down and consolidate, it's been like go go go!!! I think it doesn't help that I end really late on 3 out of my 4 school days. M 5PM, T 7:30PM, W 8PM, TH 7:30PM (T＿T)

Speaking of which, I'm actually taking 24 AUs right now, which means SEVEN modules, so that's pretty crazy in itself. The usual maximum load is 20, but people usually don't go past 18. I'm trying to make up for the bad decisions I made last semester but I'm just hoping it doesn't backfire on me ⊙﹏⊙ Like taking so many modules now so my final year won't be too busy but then, you know, ending up failing this semester because I can't cope with the larger work load. I'm really hoping that does not happen.

24 / 8: Stake For The Nation & Mama's company family day

25 / 8: Core household

26 / 8: Meet up with Jon Cheong

27 / 8: Miguel's birthday

28 / 8: West Youth Camp meeting

29 / 8: Nothing extra but I end class at 7:30, boo D:

30 / 8: Free day, yay yippee yehey 〜(￣▽￣〜)  & chapter household 

31 / 8: Discovery camp dry run & JT's debut

01 / 9: Kuya Edmar's birthday

02 / 9: Mama's birthday

03 / 9: Discovery camp dry run

So on top of all those, making time for friends and family and yfc service and a talk to prepare for and an event to host, I had two big presentations in school. Ok, actually three, because all that happened within the span of one week. It may not seem like much, but believe me, it's no joke. Praise God I made it through ALL that, honestly don't know how I could have done it without Him.

you can until you won't

It has been a better day today and thank you, Lord, for that. Firstly, I found my phone! Cue the heavens opening up, a ray of light and chorus of angels - Hallelujah! And secondly, I applied for course overloading and finally have a relative good enough amount of AUs this semester to not have a totally hectic final year. I'm still thinking if I should get another course though.

Well, my period (with cramps ╥﹏╥ ) remains, but for now

sian /sien, sɪɛn/

brav·ery \ˈbrāv-rē, ˈbrā-və-\

"take full accountability for your own emotions, they are yours"

Having doubts again about the matters I am discerning for, but I guess that's all part of the discernment process. I am scared because I thought I was healed but maybe I'm not. The stitches are opening up and the wound is pulling apart again. I try to hide this. I change the bandage daily. But again, the time comes when the bandage is soiled and in disgust, I must pry it apart from the blood and infection that is festering beneath it, clean the wound and place another.  

fu·ture \ˈfyü-chər\

School started this week and it's been a bit of a whirlwind of ... stuff. I was wondering if I should say 'emotions' but is it really?

Firstly, my timetable is a bit messed up. I don't have enough AUs (ie. credits) and I need to get at least two more modules so that my 4th and last year in school (hopefully, c'mon Joan, get yourself get through this) next year won't be a wreck with FYP also going on. And just the big three letter word F - Y - freakin' - P, yea I have a lot of worries about that too. But at the same time, being year 3 now, I attended a few 'upper' level electives and they're intense, it's scary but so damn exciting.

I'm taking a class on Crisis Management and there's only two of us y3 students while everyone else is y4 so wow the level of intimidation is through the roof, but I guess Augustine Pang's (har-har, that's my instructor and yes, I'm eagerly awaiting to see if he'll make a joke over our similarities in name) charisma and the course material itself has gotten to me. The other day, I also attended a lecture on Persuasion and Social Influence. I'm not taking it (damn you, research, bane of my academic life) but the instructor was also very charismatic.

I guess it's not so much about them being charismatic, but them basically saying, "I've made the course such that it's going to be difficult but I know you can do it and I am going to push you till you get there." And I thought, "THIS IS IT. We are going to freakin' graduate. We are going to get jobs. We're not going to be students forever. We're going to go out there and show people what we've got and what we've learned here."

I'm still really worried about my timetable. At this point, I'm even considering taking ECONOMICS?! Like bleargh, NTU; come on, give me something, please. This whole week was a bit stressful because of course registration and some technical errors with my STudent Automated Registration System (STARS) so I'm glad that was sorted out. I think I lost at least 10 years off my life within the first three days (of add/drop) alone. And on top of that, my planning was fail but I guess that's what you get when you don't think and just grab what you can get until you realize it doesn't make sense.

Ugh. I just need to have 20 AUs this semester and not have subjects that are totally out of my league/scope of interest and ability, is that too much to ask for o(╥﹏╥)o

res·cue \ˈres-(ˌ)kyü\

desert sand fills up your boots / you promised not to run / California won't grow roots / they burn up in the sun / I'm lost, but I'm not afraid / so what if nothing's taking hold? / all the plans that you made / let them go // falling down / in the dirt / we're ok / we are tired / we are hurt / we're ok / crashing cars dying stars i can love you like you are hit the wall have to crawl even if we lose it all / we're ok

torn dress / broken heart stumbles to the ground / feel the eyes rip you apart / they try to take you down / oh, but they'll never break us down // falling down / in the dirt / we're ok / we are tired / we are hurt / we're ok / crashing cars dying stars i can love you like you are hit the wall have to crawl even if we lose it all / we're ok

fa·ther \ˈfä-thər\

I just wanted an excuse to use this gif as soon as possible and am therefore blogging again. Wow, look at Nick Miller, this dork beauty (✿ ◕‿◕) If you don't watch New Girl, watch it! The episodes after the pilot episode (which was hilarious) were a bit meh but it got A LOT better from episode 10+ (some double digit episode) onwards. Season 2 was a riot because Schmidt/Winston is GOLD. I hope season 3 comes by soon. I don't really watch any other sitcoms and will definitely be in need of some 20-minute life-giving funnies to get me through school when it starts.

So anyway, other than an excuse to use that gif, I actually wanted to write about how I'm really thankful on how far my father has come in terms of being angry and all-round opinionated. This feeling actually came around when my uncle was telling off my cousin over something earlier tonight and basically, he was preeeetty mad. Even Papa was like careful not to step on his toes.

in·ev·i·ta·ble \i-ˈne-və-tə-bəl\

I am starting to realize now that being happy is an uphill climb. Ok, a part of me is like "this is common sense, you should have known this from the start." I think I never realized before because I always chose to be sad (or more like, didn't choose to be happy). And I know I used to always write and say being sad is easier but I guess I never really knew what that meant until now.

At this very moment, I think if I let myself be, I will be sad. But then, I was telling myself, "No, Marie*, CHOOSE to be happy. Do NOT let yourself be sad, not now, not today." I guess it's good that I'm writing this post because I am consciously reminding myself even more about choosing to be happy. But yes, like I said at the beginning of this post - that made me realize this is ruddy difficult.

To be totally frank, that depresses me a bit and makes me super sian because I know it will only get more difficult from now on. ): Perhaps I don't think I can do it. I keep on thinking of the failure that is bound to come and the wave (see below) that will swallow me up. Let's not forget the part of me that's convinced that if I hold on for longer, the harder I will fall and the harder it will be to rise from that. (╯︵╰,)

I know I should refrain from such thoughts. Ok, thoughts like these are inevitable. I think, in this case, it's better to be addressing them rather than avoiding them completely. Some things are just unavoidable, but your perspective changes everything. It's like when we first joined yfc and got introduced to the idea of repentance - avoiding temptation is not the way to go about repenting from your sins or refraining from sinning because temptation is everywhere. It's about saying "NO" when temptation does come around, which will happen.

friend \ˈfrend\

A friend of mine said to me, not-so recently, "Thank you for teaching me to love you. Know that whatever happens, I will be the last to judge you and the first to defend you." Of course, my immediate reaction was like "(´∩｀。) I'm obviously so hard to love. Ok, I knew that already." I didn't really think of it as something to be thanked for. In fact, I should have been the one thanking her then. 

Of course, thoughts as such would mean that I missed the entire point of that honouring - which I tend to do a lot of the time. Like, here are some people who love you and they're trying to let you know and all you're just choosing to hear are the parts that you can interpret to be "I do not like-" so you can in turn hate them. ... Not that I hate them, just that "Ugh. Why do you hate me? I hated myself before. Now, I hate myself more. And I hate that you hate me and that made me hate myself more." That sort of thing. 

BUT WAIT! Although it's starting to sound like it, this is not an angst/sad post.

this sucks

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh siiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Tonight has been a bit of a crazy night. I got so emotionally exhausted in the span of 30 minutes, it took such a toll on my physical level-of-tiredness. So now, I'm just s p e n t. I wonder how people can rant for long periods of time, coz' damn, by the end of it, I just want to collapse. SO MANY FEELINGS; exasperated, frustrated, confused, helpless. HOW CAN I- I CAN'T- I have no words.

I haven't felt this shitty in a (relatively) long while. Am I even surprised about what who has been the cause of it? No, not at all. I'm not blaming anyone; just putting it out there that feeling this shitty sucks.

in·ca·pac·i·tat·ed \ˌin-kə-ˈpa-sə-ˌtāt\

I regret letting you in. I regretted it as soon as I realized it. And I didn't realize it before; didn't realize that I was already more invested in our relationship than you were, perhaps from the start; didn't realize that I wouldn't be ok if you were to suddenly disappear from my life the way you are in it now. I (unconsciously) let my guard down. I didn't think. And look where I ended up, with yet another person who would never, in any circumstance, put me first.

I hate that thoughts like these incapacitate me.

How can you willingly allow yourself to go on a path that almost always ends up in hurt? And it's not even a hurt that's worth it, it's a hurt that would be meaningless should it happen. And the anticipation of this supposedly-impending hurt impedes any present gratification. I'm afraid of getting hurt, yes, but I am no stranger to hurt and I would willingly do so for a greater good.

Where is the greater good in this though? I can't see it. Trust, yes, that's what I'm lacking. Trust in the Lord, trust in the people He's put in my life, trust in His trust in me and His love for me, trust that He is in me, that His love and His spirit resides in me.