friend \ˈfrend\

A friend of mine said to me, not-so recently, "Thank you for teaching me to love you. Know that whatever happens, I will be the last to judge you and the first to defend you." Of course, my immediate reaction was like "(´∩｀。) I'm obviously so hard to love. Ok, I knew that already." I didn't really think of it as something to be thanked for. In fact, I should have been the one thanking her then. 

Of course, thoughts as such would mean that I missed the entire point of that honouring - which I tend to do a lot of the time. Like, here are some people who love you and they're trying to let you know and all you're just choosing to hear are the parts that you can interpret to be "I do not like-" so you can in turn hate them. ... Not that I hate them, just that "Ugh. Why do you hate me? I hated myself before. Now, I hate myself more. And I hate that you hate me and that made me hate myself more." That sort of thing. 

BUT WAIT! Although it's starting to sound like it, this is not an angst/sad post.

So actually, I've been assigned to give a session for the upcoming Discovery Camp and it is about something that I have become very sensitive about in the past two years, which is jeng jeng jeng ... FRIENDS. The name of the talk is "Friends For Life" and when I was asked by the team heads (annyeong Paolo and Pat N) almost three weeks ago, my immediate reaction (in my head) was "nope noPE NOpe n0p3 NOPE /spazzes".

I told them that I didn't think I was the best person to give the talk and basically interrogated them if they had really discerned about this and not just chosen me coz' I was an easy choice or they just dumped it on me. I even asked if I was their first choice and whether they had alternatives because if they didn't, that wasn't really discerning yada yada. (ok typing it out now, I realize how it might been pretty insulting to them. If you see this, P&P, I'm sorry I insinuated that you all chose speakers any-o-how.)

Well, eventually I said 'yes' because in spite of all my inhibitions regarding the topic and the event, in general, they were really sincere and I thought that God must be speaking through them and I should say 'yes', which is what I did.

I have said this to like three or more different people in the past week but in YFC, you don't always want to give a talk or a session or share or lead worship. In fact, almost all the time, you don't want to. But you know how deep inside, you have the feeling that you should do it? You know it is you who has to do it, and so, in spite of yourself, you do. And usually, it turns out great coz' you said 'yes' to God. 

I didn't have that feeling this time. And over the past almost-three weeks, I have whined to two other people about how I feel I am not the best person to give the session and still think the team leaders should choose someone else, for the benefit of the participants. Ate Elisha basically reiterated what the team heads were saying that they discerned that it should be me yada yada. Alright, that didn't help much but once again I thought that this must be God speaking through them, I should obey.

While the other person was like all, "In all honesty, I can't think of anyone else who should give the talk" then some banter back and forth before I was basically dared to think of other people who should do it. I think it backfired on him (and me, too) a bit because we both ended up agreeing that I didn't fit the speaker's profile and he said I should really bring that up to the team leaders because I make a really valid point. 

And so, told the team head, I did. I think I needed validation that it wasn't just me thinking I shouldn't do the session in order to allow myself to think what I wanted to think all this while, which was "ok maybe they made a mistake, maybe I was reading too much into things and it wasn't that God was speaking through them. That means I should say 'no'."

Side-track a bit! I don't think someone has ever convinced me to not give a talk. Well, technically, this time, I convinced someone to agree with me - that I should not give a talk. But it's strange, the feeling is strange. Maybe it's because no one has ever been needed to be persuaded out of giving a talk. It's always been about persuading someone to actually take on a session.

Well, I told Pat N first since she is the sister team head. "... And I wish I was [befitting the speaker's profile] man, DAMN IT, I REALLY WISH I WAS. And I look at my friends, the yfcs I have around me, and nope. Nothing comes up. ..."

This was three nights ago. She heard me out and told me she'd pray about it, for which I am thankful. :) The next morning did not help much in making me feel better about myself as a potential session-giver on the topic of friends (see this post) and by then, I was just feeling terrible about myself as a person/friend and really psyched out of any notion that I should give the talk.

But the night after I told Pat all that I thought and felt, I expressed those same things to Ate Elisha. I felt like she, too, needed to know, as the National Head, that I was going to give up on the session, should they allow me. And she said some really heartwarming stuff and it reminded me that although I may be a shitty person a lot of the time, there are people who love me in spite of my shitty personality and I should be really really thankful for that. And that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. (case in point: previous sentence)

          

After that, I had that feeling already but of course, I still wanted to know what Pat N thought. She asserted that she still feels I should give the talk. And so be it, the talk is mine to give. That's it, folks! :D If you've made it all the way till here, give yourself a pat on the back because I know that was a pretty long post and I basically ended with the same thing I started with, like WUUUUUUUT.

But I feel God made this WHOLE ROUNDABOUT thing happen because he wanted me to believe. And I mean, really believe that He had a hand in this; and He wanted me to trust in that plan. If this didn't happen, I would have probably given the session thinking, "God, ok, I think this is what you want me to do, so I will do it. But I still think you should have given it to someone else." I would still have that sliver of doubt.

I have flaws and I have my inhibitions and I have my insecurities. Don't get me wrong, those have not gone away. But those do not matter, because it is not me who is giving the talk, it is Him and He will use me powerfully. So thank you, Ate Elisha, thank you Pat N, thank you Pao, thank you service heads who were part of that meeting and discerned, thank you Charles! ≧(´▽｀)≦ And thank you, Lord, always.

I am giving the session "Friends For Life" for Discovery Camp and I will do my best.

"Let the words of my mouth,
and the meditation of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight,
O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer."

n.b. (i) This was a post I was writing yesterday and left at 3:30PM because oh, how time had flown and I had an appointment and I hadn't bathed yet yada yada. I wanted to continue it and publish it before my other post but I didn't think it was advisable considering my state of mind yesterday night after coming back :\ I feel much better this morning (thank God) and therefore chose to continue it now before I procrastinate some more and this post never sees the light of day.

n.b. (ii) It is 11:06 in the morning of when I continued this post and I need to go out now so I hope I will finish this post by tonight.