in·ev·i·ta·ble \i-ˈne-və-tə-bəl\

I am starting to realize now that being happy is an uphill climb. Ok, a part of me is like "this is common sense, you should have known this from the start." I think I never realized before because I always chose to be sad (or more like, didn't choose to be happy). And I know I used to always write and say being sad is easier but I guess I never really knew what that meant until now.

At this very moment, I think if I let myself be, I will be sad. But then, I was telling myself, "No, Marie*, CHOOSE to be happy. Do NOT let yourself be sad, not now, not today." I guess it's good that I'm writing this post because I am consciously reminding myself even more about choosing to be happy. But yes, like I said at the beginning of this post - that made me realize this is ruddy difficult.

To be totally frank, that depresses me a bit and makes me super sian because I know it will only get more difficult from now on. ): Perhaps I don't think I can do it. I keep on thinking of the failure that is bound to come and the wave (see below) that will swallow me up. Let's not forget the part of me that's convinced that if I hold on for longer, the harder I will fall and the harder it will be to rise from that. (╯︵╰,)

I know I should refrain from such thoughts. Ok, thoughts like these are inevitable. I think, in this case, it's better to be addressing them rather than avoiding them completely. Some things are just unavoidable, but your perspective changes everything. It's like when we first joined yfc and got introduced to the idea of repentance - avoiding temptation is not the way to go about repenting from your sins or refraining from sinning because temptation is everywhere. It's about saying "NO" when temptation does come around, which will happen.

The other day, I tweeted "fearless a bit ah, Marie", with regards to something not really related to what I'm blogging about now but thinking about it now, it makes me wonder if I've always had this fear of failure. Perhaps not so much failure as opposed to a fear of rejection, that if I lose my hold on this "good place" that I'm at now, if I am sad again, that people will shun me because I'm being 'difficult.' ｡：ﾟ(｡ﾉω＼｡)ﾟ･｡

I am thinking too much, obviously. Therefore, I shall stop myself here. ヾ(-_- )ゞ As I often say, I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Cross only la, I won't burn it, I promise ㅋㅋㅋ~ Or let's see when I get to it ψ(｀∇´)ψ

* Trivia: If you actually know me in real life, you'll know that I can be addressed as Joan (pronounced as such, as compared to my sister's 'Joan' which is pronounced as this.) or Marie. And whichever way I address myself in my written monologues usually gives a clue to which part of my life I'm referring to/thinking about ;)