you can until you won't

It has been a better day today and thank you, Lord, for that. Firstly, I found my phone! Cue the heavens opening up, a ray of light and chorus of angels - Hallelujah! And secondly, I applied for course overloading and finally have a relative good enough amount of AUs this semester to not have a totally hectic final year. I'm still thinking if I should get another course though.

Well, my period (with cramps ╥﹏╥ ) remains, but for now

sian /sien, sɪɛn/

brav·ery \ˈbrāv-rē, ˈbrā-və-\

"take full accountability for your own emotions, they are yours"

Having doubts again about the matters I am discerning for, but I guess that's all part of the discernment process. I am scared because I thought I was healed but maybe I'm not. The stitches are opening up and the wound is pulling apart again. I try to hide this. I change the bandage daily. But again, the time comes when the bandage is soiled and in disgust, I must pry it apart from the blood and infection that is festering beneath it, clean the wound and place another.  

fu·ture \ˈfyü-chər\

School started this week and it's been a bit of a whirlwind of ... stuff. I was wondering if I should say 'emotions' but is it really?

Firstly, my timetable is a bit messed up. I don't have enough AUs (ie. credits) and I need to get at least two more modules so that my 4th and last year in school (hopefully, c'mon Joan, get yourself get through this) next year won't be a wreck with FYP also going on. And just the big three letter word F - Y - freakin' - P, yea I have a lot of worries about that too. But at the same time, being year 3 now, I attended a few 'upper' level electives and they're intense, it's scary but so damn exciting.

I'm taking a class on Crisis Management and there's only two of us y3 students while everyone else is y4 so wow the level of intimidation is through the roof, but I guess Augustine Pang's (har-har, that's my instructor and yes, I'm eagerly awaiting to see if he'll make a joke over our similarities in name) charisma and the course material itself has gotten to me. The other day, I also attended a lecture on Persuasion and Social Influence. I'm not taking it (damn you, research, bane of my academic life) but the instructor was also very charismatic.

I guess it's not so much about them being charismatic, but them basically saying, "I've made the course such that it's going to be difficult but I know you can do it and I am going to push you till you get there." And I thought, "THIS IS IT. We are going to freakin' graduate. We are going to get jobs. We're not going to be students forever. We're going to go out there and show people what we've got and what we've learned here."

I'm still really worried about my timetable. At this point, I'm even considering taking ECONOMICS?! Like bleargh, NTU; come on, give me something, please. This whole week was a bit stressful because of course registration and some technical errors with my STudent Automated Registration System (STARS) so I'm glad that was sorted out. I think I lost at least 10 years off my life within the first three days (of add/drop) alone. And on top of that, my planning was fail but I guess that's what you get when you don't think and just grab what you can get until you realize it doesn't make sense.

Ugh. I just need to have 20 AUs this semester and not have subjects that are totally out of my league/scope of interest and ability, is that too much to ask for o(╥﹏╥)o

res·cue \ˈres-(ˌ)kyü\

desert sand fills up your boots / you promised not to run / California won't grow roots / they burn up in the sun / I'm lost, but I'm not afraid / so what if nothing's taking hold? / all the plans that you made / let them go // falling down / in the dirt / we're ok / we are tired / we are hurt / we're ok / crashing cars dying stars i can love you like you are hit the wall have to crawl even if we lose it all / we're ok

torn dress / broken heart stumbles to the ground / feel the eyes rip you apart / they try to take you down / oh, but they'll never break us down // falling down / in the dirt / we're ok / we are tired / we are hurt / we're ok / crashing cars dying stars i can love you like you are hit the wall have to crawl even if we lose it all / we're ok

fa·ther \ˈfä-thər\

I just wanted an excuse to use this gif as soon as possible and am therefore blogging again. Wow, look at Nick Miller, this dork beauty (✿ ◕‿◕) If you don't watch New Girl, watch it! The episodes after the pilot episode (which was hilarious) were a bit meh but it got A LOT better from episode 10+ (some double digit episode) onwards. Season 2 was a riot because Schmidt/Winston is GOLD. I hope season 3 comes by soon. I don't really watch any other sitcoms and will definitely be in need of some 20-minute life-giving funnies to get me through school when it starts.

So anyway, other than an excuse to use that gif, I actually wanted to write about how I'm really thankful on how far my father has come in terms of being angry and all-round opinionated. This feeling actually came around when my uncle was telling off my cousin over something earlier tonight and basically, he was preeeetty mad. Even Papa was like careful not to step on his toes.

in·ev·i·ta·ble \i-ˈne-və-tə-bəl\

I am starting to realize now that being happy is an uphill climb. Ok, a part of me is like "this is common sense, you should have known this from the start." I think I never realized before because I always chose to be sad (or more like, didn't choose to be happy). And I know I used to always write and say being sad is easier but I guess I never really knew what that meant until now.

At this very moment, I think if I let myself be, I will be sad. But then, I was telling myself, "No, Marie*, CHOOSE to be happy. Do NOT let yourself be sad, not now, not today." I guess it's good that I'm writing this post because I am consciously reminding myself even more about choosing to be happy. But yes, like I said at the beginning of this post - that made me realize this is ruddy difficult.

To be totally frank, that depresses me a bit and makes me super sian because I know it will only get more difficult from now on. ): Perhaps I don't think I can do it. I keep on thinking of the failure that is bound to come and the wave (see below) that will swallow me up. Let's not forget the part of me that's convinced that if I hold on for longer, the harder I will fall and the harder it will be to rise from that. (╯︵╰,)

I know I should refrain from such thoughts. Ok, thoughts like these are inevitable. I think, in this case, it's better to be addressing them rather than avoiding them completely. Some things are just unavoidable, but your perspective changes everything. It's like when we first joined yfc and got introduced to the idea of repentance - avoiding temptation is not the way to go about repenting from your sins or refraining from sinning because temptation is everywhere. It's about saying "NO" when temptation does come around, which will happen.

friend \ˈfrend\

A friend of mine said to me, not-so recently, "Thank you for teaching me to love you. Know that whatever happens, I will be the last to judge you and the first to defend you." Of course, my immediate reaction was like "(´∩｀。) I'm obviously so hard to love. Ok, I knew that already." I didn't really think of it as something to be thanked for. In fact, I should have been the one thanking her then. 

Of course, thoughts as such would mean that I missed the entire point of that honouring - which I tend to do a lot of the time. Like, here are some people who love you and they're trying to let you know and all you're just choosing to hear are the parts that you can interpret to be "I do not like-" so you can in turn hate them. ... Not that I hate them, just that "Ugh. Why do you hate me? I hated myself before. Now, I hate myself more. And I hate that you hate me and that made me hate myself more." That sort of thing. 

BUT WAIT! Although it's starting to sound like it, this is not an angst/sad post.

this sucks

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh siiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Tonight has been a bit of a crazy night. I got so emotionally exhausted in the span of 30 minutes, it took such a toll on my physical level-of-tiredness. So now, I'm just s p e n t. I wonder how people can rant for long periods of time, coz' damn, by the end of it, I just want to collapse. SO MANY FEELINGS; exasperated, frustrated, confused, helpless. HOW CAN I- I CAN'T- I have no words.

I haven't felt this shitty in a (relatively) long while. Am I even surprised about what who has been the cause of it? No, not at all. I'm not blaming anyone; just putting it out there that feeling this shitty sucks.