why I am both sad and happy that things are changing

I am sad because I feel like 10 years of my life might have been for nothing.

I am happy because changes and new things means more space to grow, more things to learn and going beyond all that we already know.

I am sad because I feel that the memory of me will fade to dust and then that's it.

I am happy because I know it is time and I feel that I am being propelled forward to better things. Unknown better things, yes, but better things.

I am sad because

thoughts the Devil put in my head

last first day of school

Awake at 4 because ... No particular reason. My body clock's still pretty wrecked, I guess. But I'm not suffering for that. At least, not yet.

School has started. It's only been 2 days because NTU just self-declared school holiday on 11 August, but so far so good. I like the electives I'm taking. I have a really good feeling about their usefulness and how much I'll learn. I hope this feeling is right. The thought of learning more about something I think I might be interested in just excites me, you know. ⁺✧.(˃̶ ॣ⌣ ॣ˂̶∗̀)ɞ⁾ Haha, that sounds so corny, but it's true.

Note the 'think' and the 'might' though, because who knows how long this will last and whether it's something I really want to do in the future, right. ... I honestly don't know why I need to put two words to express uncertainty. For a person who's supposedly so assertive in real life, I sure seem like I'm not sure about many things - or you know, I just don't want to seem like I'm too sure of anything. (please refer to this: Women and the 'I Don't Know' Problem)

That aside, I know I'm probably in for Hell. ⊙﹏⊙ It's my final year, JENG JENG JENG. And I'm a terrible student. I know it. My family knows it. (but I don't think my parents will admit it lol) I try not to flaunt it too much in front of my school mates. When we get to the assignments and group projects and presentations and deadlines and submissions, confirm plus chop I kpkb; ┻━┻ミ＼（≧ロ≦＼）but till then, I'm going to keep my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground. （ｖ＾＿＾）ｖJust whack and do your best lor.

Part of me can't wait to leave all this academia stuff behind and get deep into the "practical" stuff but I know that there is a purpose for everything. What we take away from school are skills, not just knowledge, and that's what's really important. One of the things that was reaffirmed by the time I spent interning.

from the drafts #1: 240214

"I pointed out that journals are almost always misleading. We use them to record miseries, frustrations of the moment, anger we don't want to put into the air. We didn't need them when we were content."

I was telling a friend about how I got really upset that one time when my chapter didn't bring drinks not because I was angry at them - ok, I was a bit, although that wasn't the primary reason - but because I felt responsible. I felt that I hadn't done enough as a chapter head to ensure that the members brought their share. And now, everyone had to suffer because there weren't enough drinks! Oh, the horror.

At times like that, I remind myself that that is me trying to be in control of things that I have little to no control of.

here vs there

I think if you've already set your mind on the fact that you're unhappy in a certain place, you will always be unhappy in that place. (Self-fulfilling prophecy, look it up, it's a legit thing.)

Perhaps it's in my nature to question or to always think of both sides of whatever I'm considering, but I've never been able to convince myself to leave a place, (ie. "You're not happy here, so just go.") or anything, for that matter, without thinking "BUT will I be happier some place else?" And the thing is, I can't say for sure. No one can. So what happens if you become unhappy in the new place? Do you pack up and go to another place? What if you run out of places to go to?

2:27am thoughts

you're just a daydream away

Not sure who the 'you' is here, exactly. I'm thinking the closest and most accurate person it could be is my past self. (I'm just rambling here) But at the same time, it doesn't make sense because I my past self is NOT a daydream away. It's away away (pardon my lack of innovation), like never-ever-gonna-get-you-back away. Not that I want my past self back, although I guess the line does suggest that. Lyrics are weird like that. ... Well, this is just me romanticising all my thoughts again, as usual. Excuse me.

my heart beats for me, not you

It has been such a terribly long time.

Today marks the end of my third week at internship. Only 19 weeks left to go. I wouldn't say I'm counting, but is it bad that I don't have to dig deep into the recesses of my mind to remember how much time there is left till the end? ... Well, I have always been good with dates and numbers like that. I say like that, because I'm terrible at History - which is why I never pursued it after lower secondary. But that's irrelevant.

It is hard to not feel anxious about school. I am in a school where I am surrounded by passionate, driven, smart, big-hearted, all-round mostly awesome individuals and I find my feelings often caught in a limbo between awe and motivation and self-deprecation and unworthiness. Dare I admit that it's probably because I haven't found my place yet - in a place I was to call home for 4 years, in a place where I would spend the final (for now) years of my formal education - rather than not doing well enough academically? Yes, I do.

Going on internship scared me. Every semester scared me. The anxiety is in-es-ca-pa-ble. Why? Because it matters. It matters so much. As I approach my final year, one of my biggest fears rose up to the surface although it had always been bubbling underneath, of course. I didn't want to be the girl who had to join an fyp group that didn't want her, unwanted by a group of 3 who only agreed to accept her because the school 'forced' them to. I wasn't close with enough people. I didn't know if people knew what I was capable of (or what I wasn't capable of). I existed, people knew my name, but I was never really there.

so scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young

I'd rather be flawed and be aware of my flaws than to be completely blind and in utter denial of them, which often results in defensiveness and a gazillion excuses. Amidst the hurt from being criticized for my shortcomings (can't deny that hurt, no matter how right you know the other person's criticism is), I may become antsy if only to try and deal with the hurt I am feeling, or because I am already reprimanding myself and feel like I really don't need someone else scolding me for something I'm already berating myself for (in my head, of course).

The ignorance I witness can be phenomenal, and to be honest, it is really scary. I have almost always known when I am in the wrong. Most of the time, when I am terrible, I am purposefully terrible (which may or may not be a bad thing, meh - the lesser of two evils?) but people who don't know ... Damn. Their method of rationalizing all their actions (both good and bad) must be crazy effective. /shuddersatthethought