bucket list (tbc)

1. Eat crab in Hokkaido, Japan

why I am both sad and happy that things are changing

I am sad because I feel like 10 years of my life might have been for nothing.

I am happy because changes and new things means more space to grow, more things to learn and going beyond all that we already know.

I am sad because I feel that the memory of me will fade to dust and then that's it.

I am happy because I know it is time and I feel that I am being propelled forward to better things. Unknown better things, yes, but better things.

I am sad because

thoughts the Devil put in my head

last first day of school

Awake at 4 because ... No particular reason. My body clock's still pretty wrecked, I guess. But I'm not suffering for that. At least, not yet.

School has started. It's only been 2 days because NTU just self-declared school holiday on 11 August, but so far so good. I like the electives I'm taking. I have a really good feeling about their usefulness and how much I'll learn. I hope this feeling is right. The thought of learning more about something I think I might be interested in just excites me, you know. ⁺✧.(˃̶ ॣ⌣ ॣ˂̶∗̀)ɞ⁾ Haha, that sounds so corny, but it's true.

Note the 'think' and the 'might' though, because who knows how long this will last and whether it's something I really want to do in the future, right. ... I honestly don't know why I need to put two words to express uncertainty. For a person who's supposedly so assertive in real life, I sure seem like I'm not sure about many things - or you know, I just don't want to seem like I'm too sure of anything. (please refer to this: Women and the 'I Don't Know' Problem)

That aside, I know I'm probably in for Hell. ⊙﹏⊙ It's my final year, JENG JENG JENG. And I'm a terrible student. I know it. My family knows it. (but I don't think my parents will admit it lol) I try not to flaunt it too much in front of my school mates. When we get to the assignments and group projects and presentations and deadlines and submissions, confirm plus chop I kpkb; ┻━┻ミ＼（≧ロ≦＼）but till then, I'm going to keep my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground. （ｖ＾＿＾）ｖJust whack and do your best lor.

Part of me can't wait to leave all this academia stuff behind and get deep into the "practical" stuff but I know that there is a purpose for everything. What we take away from school are skills, not just knowledge, and that's what's really important. One of the things that was reaffirmed by the time I spent interning.

from the drafts #1: 240214

"I pointed out that journals are almost always misleading. We use them to record miseries, frustrations of the moment, anger we don't want to put into the air. We didn't need them when we were content."

I was telling a friend about how I got really upset that one time when my chapter didn't bring drinks not because I was angry at them - ok, I was a bit, although that wasn't the primary reason - but because I felt responsible. I felt that I hadn't done enough as a chapter head to ensure that the members brought their share. And now, everyone had to suffer because there weren't enough drinks! Oh, the horror.

At times like that, I remind myself that that is me trying to be in control of things that I have little to no control of.