my heart beats for me, not you

It has been such a terribly long time.

Today marks the end of my third week at internship. Only 19 weeks left to go. I wouldn't say I'm counting, but is it bad that I don't have to dig deep into the recesses of my mind to remember how much time there is left till the end? ... Well, I have always been good with dates and numbers like that. I say like that, because I'm terrible at History - which is why I never pursued it after lower secondary. But that's irrelevant.

It is hard to not feel anxious about school. I am in a school where I am surrounded by passionate, driven, smart, big-hearted, all-round mostly awesome individuals and I find my feelings often caught in a limbo between awe and motivation and self-deprecation and unworthiness. Dare I admit that it's probably because I haven't found my place yet - in a place I was to call home for 4 years, in a place where I would spend the final (for now) years of my formal education - rather than not doing well enough academically? Yes, I do.

Going on internship scared me. Every semester scared me. The anxiety is in-es-ca-pa-ble. Why? Because it matters. It matters so much. As I approach my final year, one of my biggest fears rose up to the surface although it had always been bubbling underneath, of course. I didn't want to be the girl who had to join an fyp group that didn't want her, unwanted by a group of 3 who only agreed to accept her because the school 'forced' them to. I wasn't close with enough people. I didn't know if people knew what I was capable of (or what I wasn't capable of). I existed, people knew my name, but I was never really there.

so scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young

I'd rather be flawed and be aware of my flaws than to be completely blind and in utter denial of them, which often results in defensiveness and a gazillion excuses. Amidst the hurt from being criticized for my shortcomings (can't deny that hurt, no matter how right you know the other person's criticism is), I may become antsy if only to try and deal with the hurt I am feeling, or because I am already reprimanding myself and feel like I really don't need someone else scolding me for something I'm already berating myself for (in my head, of course).

The ignorance I witness can be phenomenal, and to be honest, it is really scary. I have almost always known when I am in the wrong. Most of the time, when I am terrible, I am purposefully terrible (which may or may not be a bad thing, meh - the lesser of two evils?) but people who don't know ... Damn. Their method of rationalizing all their actions (both good and bad) must be crazy effective. /shuddersatthethought