I regret letting you in. I regretted it as soon as I realized it. And I didn't realize it before; didn't realize that I was already more invested in our relationship than you were, perhaps from the start; didn't realize that I wouldn't be ok if you were to suddenly disappear from my life the way you are in it now. I (unconsciously) let my guard down. I didn't think. And look where I ended up, with yet another person who would never, in any circumstance, put me first.
I hate that thoughts like these incapacitate me.
How can you willingly allow yourself to go on a path that almost always ends up in hurt? And it's not even a hurt that's worth it, it's a hurt that would be meaningless should it happen. And the anticipation of this supposedly-impending hurt impedes any present gratification. I'm afraid of getting hurt, yes, but I am no stranger to hurt and I would willingly do so for a greater good.
Where is the greater good in this though? I can't see it. Trust, yes, that's what I'm lacking. Trust in the Lord, trust in the people He's put in my life, trust in His trust in me and His love for me, trust that He is in me, that His love and His spirit resides in me.
